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For Jennie’s Sake




Do you know why I am awake at 4:15 a.m. Mountain Daylight Time?

I can’t sleep because I have a screwed up spine, a chipped-up left shoulder, and I have to figure out how in the hell I’m going to get my girlfriend over here when her contract as a damn maid in the United Arab Emirates is up.

She lives in the Philippines and we came across each other on a dating site-and no, she hasn’t asked me for a dime…so you can just shut your mouth right there.  Actually, she’s working her heart out for her children.

She has family here.

It’s very hard to sleep when someone you love wants you as much as you want them and you’re a universe apart.

What I have to do is somehow get some kind of gig and work through the pain as much as I possibly can, because she and I have calculated the costs-and I’m going to have to work my ass off.

It’s not that she’ll leave because I’m broke right now.  She knows my circumstances.  She knows what my ex-wife did to me after I got hurt at Walmart.  We talk about it often-and we get deep into the discussion.

How bad off am I?

I’m currently in physical therapy, where my entire upper-left side hurts like hell after the session.  My spine and my shoulder are pushed to the San Andreas, and I feel the effects for the next twelve to twenty-four hours.

I can’t do much of anything after therapy, and keep in mind that I haven’t a regular full-time job in three years because of this.   There are even times when I have to take breaks from typing because of the pain.  In fact, I can feel the needles in my left-middle and left ring fingers as I work on this article, but I’m determined to finish this because I have to get the words out of me.

I suppose that I get this discipline from my late grandfather, Charles Horace Bogard (1905-1998), because he worked through the Great Depression and World War II with a brutal back which caused him intense pain most of the time.

A job is a job, and I have to finish this one.  I might not be able to lift a box anymore, but I can still use my brain and put my thoughts to the computer.

I just hope it’s enough for Jennie’s sake.

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New Woman and Second Chances




I’m returning to the psychology field next month for a nineteen month program which will give me a Master’s degree-and I’m going to need it.

I have found someone wonderful and she is ready for a new beginning.

Is she American?  Hell, no, as the vast majority of American women have a habit of kicking men to the curb after an injury-and I know that from personal experience.

This woman is not American, nor has she asked me for a single dime from me, but instead suggests that we pool our resources together, not in one account, but that she will save on her end and I will on mine.

That’s how a woman is supposed to behave.

She is someone whom I found unexpectedly.

If anyone said I would find someone on a dating site, I’d call the Betty Ford Center on his ass, but we found each other on E-Harmony.

I had tried three sites-and struck out at least 500 times on each one.  The reason?  American women don’t like men who are in pieces.  They want men in one piece so that they can work until they drop dead.

Hey, someone’s got to pay that Macy’s credit card, right?  You know that she won’t do it.

I even tried American women on these sites, but it was the same problem: money.

Funny, but don’t the vows say that you love each other for richer or for poorer?  American women generally don’t take marriage vows seriously, as they are out the door once something bad happens to the husband.

Not only do you all know what happened to me, but you also know the outcome.  She wanted a divorce, so I gave it to her.

My advice to American males is to grow a pair of balls and kick American women to the curb.  They are only living for themselves.  Most of them don’t cook and most of them don’t want sex-at least not with you, anyway.

Get a good foreign girl-just make sure she doesn’t ask you for money first.

I love my Filipina queen.

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Love is Love, Money Is Money-THERE’S A DIFFERENCE! By the Way-Don’t Judge!



Yeah, I’m still thinking about this event that happened to she and I.

I’m not spinning like an acorn anymore (thanks, Ace Frehley), but it’s not leaving my mind-no matter what I do or the way I numb it.

The Acorn Is Spinning, 1988

No, I’m not drinking, but I do engage in other self-destructive behaviors-which I wish I had more willpower from which to refrain.  Chief among them, I know that my Dodge Dart can go well over 100 mph, and that’s not just a bad idea.  That’s seven shades of stupid when you do that at the age of 47.

By the way, I never did that with her in the car-again, seven shades of stupid.

It’s quite certain that she’s thinking about this, too.  This is because she is not the kind of woman who doesn’t keep her word.  She knew that I was worried about this possibility, because I voiced it.

Love is love and it shouldn’t be interfered with-by anyone.  It’s ironic that somehow the one who abused her passed the test and I didn’t.   This has happened throughout the centuries, as parents broke the hearts of their children by making prejudicial decisions or by choosing not understand the suitor’s experiences.

What did Jesus say about this?  Well, I (as almost always) have the answer to this question:

Matthew 7:1-5 1“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

The Christian left has warned that the judging of others is one of the reasons why people detest Christianity.  It also holds the position that preachers who preach against greed, but have plenty besides cause people to doubt the validity of the Bible.

Even though I detest religion, I know Jesus was the Son of God, simply by all of the scientific and historical evidence.   However, that’s not enough for many Christians when you have a relationship with their daughters.  I came to the understanding that my rather lousy relationship with God the Father played into this-never mind that Christianity is what made me suicidal in the first place before I was even thirteen-years-old.  This happened via social ostracization, serious degrees of bullying, and the Church’s willingness to ignore my cries for help against the spiritual violence which happened to me.

What did Paul write about the quality of faith?

Romans 14:1 1Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters.

What did Jude write about this?

Jude 22 New International Version (NIV)

22 Be merciful to those who doubt.

Kiss, Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne, Ronnie James Dio, Rainbow, Motley Crue, Iron Maiden, and Twisted Sister prevented my suicide, okay?  Enough said.

Here’s proof of that.

The Church continues to experience problems in this area, as Christians judge actions without considering motivation.  Okay, I shouldn’t have played my Black Sabbath album in the sanctuary last week.  However, Sabbath prevented my suicide after the Church nearly caused it thirty-five years ago, and Christianity, not only nearly caused it, but did nothing to prevent it.

Hey, I’m a sinner like everyone else, but at least I try to understand why people are the way the are.  I guess we can thank liberalism and my psychology degree for that one, huh?  Parents need to consider the emotional consequences of their daughters before allowing their prejudices to ruin their lives.

Love is love and you’re not supposed to buy it.  While Christians say that money isn’t everything, that position quickly changes when they see a guy at the door who holds the hand of their daughter.

What did Paul write about wealth in 1 Timothy 6:17?

“Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.”

What did Paul write in 1 Corinthians 7:9 about sex and marriage?

1 Corinthians 7:9 New International Version (NIV)

“9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

Oh, and as for my doing this for the money is concerned, as 1 Timothy 6:5 points out:

New International Version
“…and constant friction between people of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain.”

Remember that money is the problem in the first place.  I still certain that I wouldn’t be approved of even if I became a millionaire.  Funny, but I could have sworn that both Paul and Ronnie James Dio agreed that money had nothing to with love.


The breaking of a daughter’s heart comes at a price, so does breaking hearts of grandchildren, as that little girl cried and gave me one of the tightest hugs I have ever felt.

Christianity proves itself to be more phony as the days roll past because of those who sit in the pews.   Hell will be filled with Christians, and I can prove it.

Matthew 8:11-12 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

No one is ever good enough for a Christian parent.  Remember that the man of whom they approved beat their daughter severely  and he is still a negative force in their daughter’s life, as well as the lives of the grandchildren-and that’s not too bright, kids.

Any psychologist will tell you that.




Isn’t that, right, Mr. Dio?



And Rabbi, what saith thou about my faith, since I accept the faith that I know you are God’s Son?

Matthew 17:20

 Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.”

Now, Rabbi, I struggle daily in my faith in You, and I despise Your Church because of its hypocrisy and judgments of others whom the members of the same choose not to understand.  What of that?  You saw what happened to me at church last week when I was physically threatened by one of the ushers, who said that he would: “kick your ass out of here.”   

Romans 14:1 1Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters.

While we’re on the subject, what about the use of foul language by a Christian-especially by an usher or an elder?  Remember that he said he would throw my ass out, so I’m not the hypocrite here-especially in the midst of my pain.  Now, I’m guilty, too.  However, You saw me take responsibility for it.

James 3:9-12 9With the tongue we praise our LORD and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Ephesians 5:4, New International Version
Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather

Okay, Lord.  I admit that I’m also guilty of that-mainly because the deprivation which I have experienced has caused me to joke about the calmities of others.  Now, while that’s a sin, what is Your stance on my rather sick sense of humor?

Remember that he said he would throw my ass out, so I’m not the hypocrite here-especially in the midst of my pain.

Hm.  It seems like my relationship with God might be better than people believe-even if I do blast Black Sabbath in the church parking lo-or in the sanctuary, for that matter.  Jesus knows why I do that, and He gets it-even though I don’t understand everything about Him.

By the way, Christ has a message for you.

Matthew 5:7 New International Version (NIV)

Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.

So, what about those who go to church every Sunday and judge people whom they don’t understand?

Matthew 8:11-12 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”


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Something Feels Different






(Note: I began to write this a couple of days ago.)

I retrieved some of my things today.  However, I have to say that something about this break up feels different.

There were no tears.

There were no arguments and I told the kids to take care of their mother.  I love those two kids more than my own life, okay?  I’d die for them.

I have no idea what she felt that day, and I refuse to speculate.  However, this does not feel like a normal break up.  I know that she did cry on the phone prior-and that’s not how it usually goes when love still exists.

Romantic relationships either end with anger or sadness after love has faded.  While she did cry one or two days ago, she didn’t today.  We even spoke alone briefly-and nothing negative happened.

There’s a lot going on, and I have to step back from her, as per her wishes at this time.  I’m going to step back, leave her alone, and see what happens.  It’s not my call this time-and I accept that.  Those kids come first.  Her life comes first.  Her peace comes first.

She knows that I have always been there for her, and I always will be in sense or another, as she is a good woman.  She does not deserve the stress she is currently under.

As for myself, a break up usually paralyzes me for weeks, but not this one.

It’s not because I don’t care.  It’s because something feels different about this one.

I don’t feel a desperate need to hold on as I had in the past.  I don’t feel numb (although I did yesterday).  The numbness inside me lasts for extended periods of time when something ends, but not this time-for some reason.

She has things she needs to do and I have things that I need to do.  Both of our lives need renovation, as she has experienced Hell for an extended period of time, and I came into her life during one of those moments-by mere chance.

There are some things which I am struggling with-especially spiritually.  I’m being pulled in every dimension.  However, I cannot force this.  I cannot do anything at this point-and that’s hard for me to accept.  However, for her sake and for the sake of her kids, that’s what has to be-because THEY come first.

Her peace comes first.


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My Answer on Starting Over After 50







It’s been suggested that you not start over immediately after a break up, but here is why I might have to if I can’t reunite, and I explained this on the blog, Starting Over After 50.


“I wasn’t able to marry until I was nearly forty, and my ex-wife cheated. I wasn’t even married for five years, and we rarely made love.

“We knew each other as far back as junior high school and we went to the prom together. We caught up with each other in 2009 and married in 2010-but it was not a good marriage.

“She and I lived with her “best friend” and we never had a place of our own. We couldn’t afford California (especially since she didn’t work at the time), so I decided that we should live in Colorado-where I had originally moved after the big economic crash.

“Our divorce finalized in 2015, but I embarked on self-destruction. This is because that is the result when I am out of a relationship for any length of time. Prior to this fabulous disaster, I was not able to date in my thirties because I worked up to fifteen hours a day with someone who has autism. The father never wanted to come home on time; insisting that he worked late at the office-like 10:45 p.m. late. I was expected to show up around 7:15 a.m. or 7:30 a.m.

“I had become the parent.

“You understand my hunger for marriage if you are familiar with Erik Erikson’s Eight Stages. I am still in the early stage of 18-40-despite the fact that I will be 48 in June.

“I have just acquired my degree in psychology and I want to marry immediately. In fact, I knew how much trouble I would wind up in if I DIDN’T marry young. Everything happened, and it was like the steering wheel broke in my hands and I was just along for the ride in the Porsche.

“I have come off of a break up that neither one of us wanted, but her mother caused. She is heartbroken and I am spinning out of control again. It’s a very complicated situation, which is why I’m not mentioning much. I don’t want to move on, but it looks like I may have to-even though we have both cried over this.

“She’s 41, okay? Yeah, it’s that stupid.

“IF this is indeed over, I HAVE TO try again IMMEDIATELY, because my time is running out. It’s not that I ever wanted to play the field. I have wanted to be a husband and father from the very beginning. Furthermore, I am possess the personality type which gets into trouble if I don’t find someone quickly.

“I’m either in a long-term relationship or a long dry spell. As a graduate of psychology I know that this is extremely unhealthy. However, I can assure anyone that I would not exhibit this behavior if I had been able to marry at 20.

“I am a pendulum. Hence, I would rather opt for one extreme over the other. I probably do have codependent tendencies. While I can live by myself, I can’t live ALONE, as I still get into too much trouble. This is why I have to get up, dust off the dirt, and try again IMMEDIATELY, as I only lived with my “wife” for three of the five years we were married. I worked nights and she slept through half of the day.

“It makes more sense now, doesn’t it?


“By the way, you can’t say that I married her for her beauty. 375-as in pounds, and I don’t mean British currency.

“Some of my girlfriends have been bigger and some have been very thin. I don’t care. I always hope that each one is the last, but I run into the problem of the spirit knowing better, while the flesh succumbs.

I really hope that the woman with whom I was formerly engaged to finds all the happiness in the world-even if it’s not with me. She deserves happiness.”


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Parents, Stay OUT of Adult Relationships!






If you were to tell me that I wasn’t going to make it to “happily ever after” with this woman with whom I have seen for sixteen weeks, I would have called the Betty Ford Clinic on you.  However, that’s exactly what’s happened.

This is a very sad departure for both of us, as there are still feelings on both sides-and we both fought tears.

It seems that her mother didn’t like what she read from me from my collection of articles.  Excuse me, but her daughter is 41-years-old here, okay?  There is no reason to force a break up.  However, if she wants to face her God knowing that she did what she did, then that is between her and God.

I admit I don’t have the greatest relationship with God in the world.  However, didn’t Jesus say that He came to heal the sick?  If I am sick in the soul, then I should be healed, not cast out.  However, that is between her and God.

Parents don’t realize the psychological harm they inflict upon their adult children-let alone small children.  This is why those like me become very hostile toward conservatives-which this older woman was.

Feel for my now ex-girlfriend, who is probably still fighting tears.  Her little girl hugged me-’nuff said.

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You have felt this, too, I’m sure.

Your relationship ends at the worst possible time, your academic career is still in someone else’s hands (even after you have followed instructions), and you are in physical pain.   This pain is not as a result of normal aging, but from hard labor.

You want a wife and you want to start a family-but the problem is that you inch toward fifty-and you were never into “playing” the field, although most women your age who are in the dating pool will assume that to be the case.

Here is how life is supposed to work, according to Erik Erikson.


Stage Psychosocial Crisis Basic Virtue Age
1. Trust vs. Mistrust Hope 0 – 1½
2. Autonomy vs. Shame Will 1½ – 3
3. Initiative vs. Guilt Purpose 3 – 5
4. Industry vs. Inferiority Competency 5 – 12
5. Identity vs. Role Confusion Fidelity 12 – 18
6. Intimacy vs. Isolation Love 18 – 40
7. Generativity vs. Stagnation Care 40 – 65
8. Ego Integrity vs. Despair Wisdom 65+


Because I missed out on my youth, I am at the earlier stages of the 6th stage in this theory.  I’m physically 47, but I am mentally 25.  This is because I want to experience youth and was not afforded the opportunity when I worked with an autistic man named Tommy for nearly ten years, from early in the morning until late into the night.  This is because his father remained out of the house for as long as possible.

My first marriage was a joke, because the woman I was married to was more inclined to enjoy life with her female roommate than with her own husband, and our sexlife was…well, what sexlife?

I met my ex-girlfriend through chance, but I was never liked by her mother.  It is ironic that despite the fact that I was never unfaithful to her daughter, somehow, that guy who cheated on her granddaughter was a better catch than yours truly.  I’m not angry at my ex-girlfriend at all, but I will admit that there were misunderstandings-not by her and myself, but I can tell you that her mother never liked me-no matter how well I treated her grandchildren.

It seems that treating a woman well and scoring a degree aren’t high enough on the Christian requirement list.  It seems you have to make a lot of money, as well-even
Need a drink?  So do I after absorbing that thought.

You know, it’s hard to trust a God Who knows that you have wanted to be married since you were eighteen, but gives you a sham marriage for all of your hope-one which only lasts less than five years and saw less sex than a two-hour porno produced by San Fernando Valley’s Vivid Studios.

God allegedly states in Genesis that it’s not good for the man to be alone and Paul allegedly wrote in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 7 that those who cannot control their bodies morally should be allowed to marry.

Now you see why Christianity is on the decline-it lacks credibility.

It’s hard to believe an outdated religion which gives you no hope after your youth has been stolen from you.  Those of you who have lived through experiences similar to mine know what I mean.

I’m fighting depression at the time of this writing.  I am also fighting the urge to do some very stupid things, which I know will destroy me.

It’s times like this I tend to drive too fast-and without headlights.  However, I cannot afford the speeding ticket, and I would really rather avoid having the police impound my beloved Dodge Dart-which Chrysler Corporation doesn’t make anymore.  Besides, there are too many people on the road, and I really don’t care to be arrested for vehicular manslaughter, as that would only make my situation much worse.

Again, I know that my situation is far from unique.  This is why we have the 11 o’ clock news; to see what other people near your corner did, but were unable to withstand the temptation of doing during the night.  It is only because of my background in psychology that I am able to think twice about doing anything which I would regret for the rest of my life-and the Depakote also probably plays a role.  I have to be honest about that one.

Although I will always care, I will never be angry at her.  I especially feel for her youngest children, because they have disabilities.   I would have fought for them, as the Pueblo School District still discriminates against students who have disabilities.

Those kids need a fighter by their side, and my ex-girlfriend found her champion.  Don’t be angry at her, because I am not angry at her.  This was out of her hands.  Trust me, you would agree if you knew the rest of the situation.  So, I would appreciate if you not judge her, because she cried over this last night-and I heard every tear.  Let’s just say parents have no right to tell their adult children what to do.



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I Don’t Donate To The Wounded Dumbfuck Project. By the Way, Shouldn’t My Ex-Wife Had Compassion for MY TBI, Which I Acquired Via Meningitis?


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It’s A Good Thing I Don’t Work in an Office and It’s a Good Thing That I’m Taken!




Okay, so this is the third installment on this subject, and I think it’s valid.  A lot of well-meaning men could get themselves in serious trouble and not even realize it.

Prior to when I was in a relationship, I used terms on women like ‘sweet thigh’ because white women voted for Donald Trump.  The irony is that I’m going to marry a blue-eyed blonde-which I truly didn’t see coming, because I dated Latinas and Asians.  American women simply sickened me.  However, this woman got me good-even though I deliberately used every demeaning term I possibly could.

As the Norns would have it, I’m now engaged to this woman.

Feminism have handcuffed men up to the point at which they can’t even give a simple complement anymore without having a complaint filed against them.  The funny part comes when women wonder why they can’t get a date at forty.

It’s as simple as this, girls.  You told men ten to twenty years ago that sexual assault includes looking at you as if you were our lunch.  You should have been proud of that, not offended.  Now, it’s too late.

To the young women of today, I suggest that you learn from the mistakes of the past.  When a man smiles at you, flirt with him.  When he approaches, don’t be surprised at the result.

This is called the chase.

I realize that they didn’t teach this to you in Feminism 101, but this is normal behavior.  Sure, you have the right to refuse all you want, but remember that you do have an expiration date, so it’s best to marry at your peak of beauty so that you don’t get harassed by some bastard in an underground parking lot.


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Mrs. Jody


Remember that girl I argued with not so long ago?

Take a look at this.

Yes, I am fucking serious.  We are getting married on December 15, 2018.  The irony is that my mother told Jodie that she met my old man on December 15, 1968!

This is why I believe in numerology, as there are too many coincidences in the equation.

I’m still a crazy baby.  However, Jodie, God bless her, has bumped me in a more positive direction.  There is more to the equation, but I will print about that later.

Oh, I still despise conservatives and still want to burn their mansions to the ground-or trailer parks, as the case may be.  However, Jodie has made me more focused.  She is the perfect woman, because she is a great mother-and she’s going to make a great wife.

This is a demo store for testing purposes — no orders shall be fulfilled. Dismiss

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