Something Feels Different

 

 

 

(Note: I began to write this a couple of days ago.)

I retrieved some of my things today.  However, I have to say that something about this break up feels different.

There were no tears.

There were no arguments and I told the kids to take care of their mother.  I love those two kids more than my own life, okay?  I’d die for them.

I have no idea what she felt that day, and I refuse to speculate.  However, this does not feel like a normal break up.  I know that she did cry on the phone prior-and that’s not how it usually goes when love still exists.

Romantic relationships either end with anger or sadness after love has faded.  While she did cry one or two days ago, she didn’t today.  We even spoke alone briefly-and nothing negative happened.

There’s a lot going on, and I have to step back from her, as per her wishes at this time.  I’m going to step back, leave her alone, and see what happens.  It’s not my call this time-and I accept that.  Those kids come first.  Her life comes first.  Her peace comes first.

She knows that I have always been there for her, and I always will be in sense or another, as she is a good woman.  She does not deserve the stress she is currently under.

As for myself, a break up usually paralyzes me for weeks, but not this one.

It’s not because I don’t care.  It’s because something feels different about this one.

I don’t feel a desperate need to hold on as I had in the past.  I don’t feel numb (although I did yesterday).  The numbness inside me lasts for extended periods of time when something ends, but not this time-for some reason.

She has things she needs to do and I have things that I need to do.  Both of our lives need renovation, as she has experienced Hell for an extended period of time, and I came into her life during one of those moments-by mere chance.

There are some things which I am struggling with-especially spiritually.  I’m being pulled in every dimension.  However, I cannot force this.  I cannot do anything at this point-and that’s hard for me to accept.  However, for her sake and for the sake of her kids, that’s what has to be-because THEY come first.

Her peace comes first.